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Financial abuse is surprisingly common: Nearly all survivors of intimate partner violence have experienced it.1 Also called economic abuse, it involves exploitation, sabotage, or excessive control over a partner’s resources.
Since it’s rarely portrayed on TV or otherwise brought to our attention, you may not recognize it or know how to respond. So, here’s a review of how to identify financial abuse and how to get help.
Recognizing the signs of financial abuse
“Financially abusive behaviors can range from restricting your ability to work to giving you an allowance and tracking every penny,” said Karen Chonofsky, financial stability program manager at the Women’s Resource Center, a Philadelphia-based nonprofit helping women and girls successfully navigate difficult life transitions. “The common thread is that they’re all ways of exerting control over another person.”
If your partner engages in any of the following behaviors, you might be experiencing financial abuse.
Control over income and financial resources
● Taking your paycheck, financial aid, tax refund, disability income, or support payments.
● Withholding money so you can’t meet basic needs like food or medicine.
● Refusing to work or contribute to your shared household in any way.
● Spending money intended for essential bills.
● Threatening to withhold or cut off access to money during disagreements.
● Forcing you to hand over your checkbook, credit card, or debit card.
● Demanding that you turn over receipts or change for purchases.
● Forcing you to work for no pay.
Exclusion from financial decision-making
● Not including you in banking, investment, or other important financial decisions, even when you ask.
● Not giving you access to bank or investment accounts.
● Controlling how all your household funds are spent.
● Refusing to let you seek outside help with financial concerns.
● Isolating you from outside sources of financial assistance or financial education.
Asset theft and property misuse
● Selling or pawning your property without your permission.
● Hiding assets.
● Gambling with your money or shared money.
● Stealing your identity or assets.
● Not being accountable for the use of shared resources.
Fraud and misuse of accounts
● Filing a false insurance claim using your name, Social Security number, or policy.
● Forcing you to write bad checks or file fraudulent tax returns.
● Filing joint tax returns or tax returns in your name without letting you see them.
● Running up debt on joint accounts.
● Refusing to pay bills that affect your credit score, or intentionally paying them late.
● Forcing you to change the beneficiaries on accounts, wills, trusts, or insurance policies.
● Threatening to sabotage your public benefits or disability income.
Employment sabotage and work interference
● Stalking or harassing you at work.
● Physically abusing you before important meetings or interviews.
● Demanding that you leave work or quit your job.
● Taking the car so that you can’t go to work or a job interview.
● Disrupting child care so you can’t go to work or school.
Emotional abuse and financial gaslighting
● Threatening or using violence after you earn money, spend money, or make financial decisions.
● Guilt-tripping, blaming, or shaming you about money.
● Making you doubt your own ability to earn, understand, or manage money.
● Making you ask friends or family for money, then not letting you repay them.
Financial abuse can take many different forms. It can also show up in different ways depending on the nature and phase of the relationship.
Signs of financial abuse in teen and young adult relationships
You don’t have to be married or even living with the person you’re dating to experience or commit financial abuse.
If your partner has ever interfered with your education or employment — for example, by deleting an assignment before you could turn it in or hiding your car keys — you may be in an abusive relationship. If you’ve ever used your partner’s debit card without permission, made them cosign a student loan for you, or encouraged them to blow off a job interview they wanted to attend, you may have been a perpetrator.
Less overtly, financial abuse can look like repeatedly guilting or enticing someone into skipping work or school. The goal of any kind of abuse is control, and these types of control can prevent someone from earning a living or increasing their earning potential.
Abuse amid familiarity in midlife
Every marriage or long-term relationship has a natural division of labor. The more capable partner typically takes charge in each area of household management, from doing the dishes to managing money. Usually, that’s a good thing. Sometimes, though, it’s insidious.
“Traditional gender roles in household finances can make it difficult to detect financial abuse early on, but there’s a difference between your partner being the one who manages the bills and your partner refusing to let you see them,” Chonofsky said.
Financially controlling behavior can develop gradually over time and go unnoticed until it leads to a serious situation where one person has little to no income, assets, credit, access to household resources, or work history. The extent of the abuse can be well hidden until the relationship hits a breaking point. (Related: Are you a couple in need of financial counseling?)
“I’ve seen financial abuse come out of the blue, where everything seems fine until someone’s husband serves them with divorce papers and takes all the money,” Chonofsky said. “Then we learn he has secretly been taking out loans and not paying the mortgage or taxes, and the wife is saddled with these communal debts.”
Why financial abuse happens and stays hidden
We tend to think of intimate partner violence in terms of physical or emotional abuse. Financial abuse can be just as damaging to someone’s independence, stability, and sense of self-worth.
“Financial abuse hits on two sensitive matters that people can feel a lot of shame around,” Chonofsky said. “One is money, and the other is being a victim of abuse.”
It happens at all levels of income and net worth, and, like physical and emotional abuse, it isn’t always perpetrated by men.
“We hear more about male-on-female or male-on-male abuse, but women also abuse men and women also abuse women,” said Darrin Dennis, a licensed professional clinical counselor in Los Angeles.
Why do some people seek control so intensely that they become abusive?
“Generally speaking, these are people who grew up feeling completely out of control and learned to see the world as a chaotic place,” Dennis said. “Understandably, they may see the world as a darker place than the average person does, and they seek safety through the illusion of control.”
Not everyone who has experienced violence, trauma, or an unhealthy relationship turns into an abuser, nor does an abuser’s upbringing or past excuse their behavior. Still, knowing where the behavior might originate can be an important step for those willing to work toward change and accountability. (Related: Family money problems)
“Asking for help is a sign of strength,” Dennis said. “It takes way more courage to ask for help than trying to bootstrap or white-knuckle it.”
Steps toward safely regaining independence from financial abuse
Regaining autonomy by leaving an abusive relationship can be far more challenging than outside observers might realize. In some cases victims could face threats of increased violence and even death against themselves or their children. They may be cut off from their support systems or have negative experiences with being believed or helped.
Some people who abuse their partners may show affection or believe they love the person they’re harming. Further, the person being harmed may love their partner despite the abuse. But love is not consistent with control, fear, or harm.
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship and you lack financial resources, you can think about taking steps toward increasing your security even if you aren’t ready or able to leave safely.
“To build financial independence discreetly, start small and in cash,” Chonofsky said. “Maybe you can set aside a few dollars from a weekly allowance, or quietly do odd jobs while your partner is at work. And you might ask a trusted friend or relative to safeguard your savings so you don’t risk your partner discovering the money at home.”
Every survivor has a sense of what they may or may not be able to do in their circumstances. Some options may be challenging or dangerous to pull off.
It’s not as simple as opening a secret bank account. It can be difficult to visit a bank in person without being detected, or to open an account online using a device that isn’t being monitored. Banking also requires an address and phone number the abuser can’t access.
Technology has made it both easier to control a partner and harder to cover one’s tracks. Abusers may use smartphones, keystroke loggers, GPS trackers, and hidden cameras to follow a victim’s every move, including moves that might involve seeking help. It’s also exceedingly difficult to obliterate evidence when abusers try to hide accounts and asset transfers, which can help survivors who are able to leave.
Financial abuse resources for support and safety
If you’re experiencing financial abuse (or care about someone who is), it’s normal to feel stuck or helpless. The first step toward recovery is often reaching out for (or offering) support.
“First, know that you’re not alone and that help is available,” said Beth Monroe, executive director of the Women’s Resource Center. “Financial abuse can be subtle — ranging from restricted access to bank accounts to being forced to justify every purchase. If you’re starting to question the dynamics in your relationship, trust your instincts.”
Many survivor resources offer several contact methods, so you can choose what’s safest or most comfortable for you. Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say: Responders are trained to be there for you by asking questions or just listening. You’ll find a list of resources at the end of this article.
Recognition and support
Financial professionals with awareness, specialized training, or firsthand experience of financial abuse can support survivors with both compassion and expertise. They may notice suspicious account activity, excessive control over accounts, or that one partner never attends or doesn’t speak freely during client meetings.
When it is safe to do so, financial professionals can help survivors establish new accounts, rebuild credit, manage a budget, and invest for the future. They can also offer referrals to legal and tax professionals who can help recover missing assets, protect future assets, and resolve tax issues. (Related: Financial professionals can be equal parts educators and advocates)
Don’t let cost stop you from asking for help. Some professionals offer free or reduced-cost services to those who can’t afford their regular fees.
By recognizing and talking about financial abuse, we can reduce the shame and isolation surrounding it and help victims reclaim their independence and safety. Financial abuse is never the victim’s fault. Help is available from numerous sources, including the ones listed below.
Resources
● National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit the website to chat or learn more. This service is confidential, free, and available 24/7.
● Women’s Resource Center: The center’s free helpline at 701-314-HELP (4357) offers a safe, confidential space to talk with trained volunteers who will listen with empathy and can help you reclaim your financial independence at your own pace and on your own terms. The center also offers financial education workshops and referrals to counselors and attorneys who understand the nuances of financial abuse.
● LoveIsRespect.org: This website can help teens and young adults understand what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like and identify different types of abuse.
● A Call for Change Helpline: If you recognize yourself as someone who may be abusing their partner, know that you can change and that there are resources to support you, too. This organization offers free, anonymous, confidential help by phone (877-898-3411) or email (Help@ACallForChangeHelpline.org) to those who want to learn how to be a safe partner. Another option is to seek out a therapist with specialized training in intimate partner violence.
● Women Against Abuse: The survivor stories published by Women Against Abuse offer insights on how real people have left their abusers or helped survivors.
● The Safety Net Project: This website offers tips on technology safety and privacy for survivors.
● The Independence Program: Survivors often need help rebuilding or establishing credit to get housing, buy a car, or get a job. The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) runs this program to provide small, short-term loans with no interest or fees. NNEDV also offers resources on financial safety planning.
● WomensLaw.org: This website provides plain-language legal information to support survivors of all genders. Its resources can help you understand whether you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, financially or otherwise, and learn what to do about it, including how to leave safely.
● 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Whether you need help for yourself, a friend, or a loved one, this service is available 24/7/365 to talk, text, or chat online. Skilled volunteers offer free, confidential, judgment-free care whether you want to take action or just need to be heard.
● YWCA: This nonprofit organization provides housing, financial education and coaching, medical and legal advocacy, counseling, and job skills training to victims and survivors of intimate partner violence. It also offers supervised visitation and safe exchange for survivors who have children in common with their abuser.
● AnnualCreditReport.com: Checking your credit reports, reporting fraudulent activity, and placing credit freezes or fraud alerts on your accounts are all free and can help you protect and rebuild your credit.
● Consumer Debt Initiative: Financial abuse often burdens survivors with coerced or fraudulent debt. Abuse can be a valid defense, but ignoring a summons can lead to a default judgment against you. This partnership between Western New England University and the MassMutual Foundation provides free legal advice and representation in Springfield, Massachusetts.
● Mass Legal Answers Online: Low-income Massachusetts residents can get their legal questions answered online by pro bono attorneys through this service.
● The American Bar Association: This professional organization of lawyers offers free legal services by email in many states.
● Volunteer Income Tax Assistance: If you need help preparing your taxes, catching up on missed returns, or reviewing your tax return history, the VITA program offers free help each year during tax season (income limits apply).
● 211.org: For help with bills, utilities, and medical expenses, call 211 or visit 211.org. This confidential service can connect you with local assistance.
● APA.org: Therapists, social workers, and criminal justice systems seeking to help prevent intimate partner violence can visit this site to learn more about effective treatment programs for abusive partners.
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