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A healthy marriage requires a willingness to share your heart, your home, and, if you believe what some family therapists suggest, your hard-earned cash.
Couples who commingle at least some of their money for shared expenses, set financial goals together, and tackle debt as a team may be better positioned to build a relationship based on trust, said Syble Solomon, a marriage counselor in Hamilton, Montana, and founder of Money Habitudes, a program that helps partners initiate dialogue about money. Importantly, she said, they may also be more likely to rely on each other, instead of friends or family, when the going gets tough.
“Trust is a major part of being in a relationship and part of trusting another person is believing that they will be there for you when you need them,” said Solomon, in an interview. “If you can’t share your money, or have financial conversations, it diminishes that trust.”
Solomon is quick to note that healthy interdependence does not take the shape of a patriarchal or matriarchal money management system, in which one partner controls the cash. On the contrary, both parties should be equally involved in decisions related to the household budget, she said, regardless of who actually handles the day-to-day bill paying. (Learn more: How to construct a family budget)
Married couples who have lived and learned say that’s a good practice to adopt. A Fidelity Investments retirement survey from 2021 that asked couples for their best piece of financial advice for newlyweds found the top responses were to “not take on more debt than you have to” (46 percent), “save for retirement as early as possible” (44 percent), and “make all financial decisions together” (38 percent). 1
It’s worth noting that prior Fidelity marriage and money surveys found a disconnect in financial decision-making roles. In the vast majority of marriages where one party is the primary decision-maker, that person believes his or her partner would not want to be more involved. In reality, however, one-third of couples disagree on this answer, suggesting respondents might be underestimating the extent to which the less-involved spouse would like to function better as a team.
Separate versus shared accounts
Failure to mix your money, of course, does not itself portend marital problems. Couples who keep their income divided do so for many reasons, said Solomon, and some of them good. For example, those with a complex financial picture (kids and assets from a prior marriage) may simply find it easier. Others may be married to a partner with a history of reckless spending or addiction.
“If partners are both actively involved in making financial decisions that affect them as a couple and respect each other’s perspective, keeping finances totally separate doesn’t have to create walls,” she said.
But be forewarned: Separate bank accounts do force couples to participate in ongoing dialogue about who pays for what, including family vacations, the higher heating bill, and the new couch, which can create stress and resentment if one partner earns less. From a practical standpoint, it can also become difficult to sustain when kids enter the picture. Who pays for child care and braces? (Related: Parent budgeting)
A rigid financial system of “yours and mine” may also send a message (whether intentional or not) about your level of commitment or willingness to compromise when it counts, said Solomon. By keeping your financial affairs tangle-free, you and your significant other may feel there’s an easier “out.”
The ‘you, me, we’ system
When it comes to marital banking, there is no single solution that works for everyone. Many partners, especially younger couples who have minimal assets to combine, find success with a single account system, in which all household income is lumped together and used to pay for all expenses.
Solomon said, however, that evidence suggests the "you, me, we" financial management system, in which couples pool their money for joint expenses, but maintain a separate account for themselves, often yields the best results.
Roughly 23 percent of couples who have a joint bank account also maintain individual accounts, according to a 2020 survey by Varo Money. Why? Some preferred to keep a separate account to maintain independence, for convenience, or to ensure that they have enough funds available for emergencies and personal spending.2
That’s important, said Skip Johnson, a financial professional with Great Waters Financial in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in an interview. Regardless of the financial system they adopt, married couples should ensure that each has some spending money of his or her own, or even a credit card, for discretionary spending that need not be justified. (Need budget advice? Contact us)
Some of the benefits of both the blended and the ‘you, me, we’ system is that they force spouses to work together toward common goals, he said. Partners with joint savings must also learn to compromise when disagreements about spending decisions arise, which gives them an opportunity to practice flexibility, a character trait that helps in all facets of their relationship.
Tackling budget decisions and debt as a team can potentially yield other benefits, too.
Generally speaking, couples with significant debt are often less satisfied in their marriage. They also spend more time worrying about debt, which leaves less opportunity to focus on their relationship and future goals. (Related: Setting goals with the 5-10-15-20 concept)
“Couples who share assets and checking accounts enjoy more stability, compared with couples who keep separate accounts,” said W. Bradford Wilcox, senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, in an email interview. “Such commingling both expresses and reinforces a sense of trust, mutual dependence, and commitment.”
Partners who choose not to pool their money, or have trouble trusting their spouse with finances, can and should still hold monthly budget meetings to discuss cash flow, priorities, and future goals. As they reach major milestones together, like buying a house and paying down debt, their trust in the marital team will naturally grow, which may encourage them to lean on each other for support and advice.
Communication is key. (Learn more: 5 reasons why women should be selfish, financially)
When working with new clients, Johnson said his firm insists that both partners be present for at least the initial decision-making meeting about finances in marriage.
“It’s so important that everyone is on the same page,” he said, noting couples who clarify both their goals and tolerance for risk are more likely to avoid costly knee-jerk reactions when market conditions change. “Couples often have different risk profiles and we want to create a portfolio that factors in one partner's need for financial security and the other’s desire to chase bigger gains. Both need to be comfortable when market corrections occur.”
Conclusion
In a culture that values self-reliance, it may sound contradictory to suggest that spouses who merge their money have a better shot at marital bliss. And, indeed, that isn’t always true.
But financial professionals say one thing is clear: money management can greatly influence relationship outcomes. Couples who work together to tackle debt and fund future goals can potentially cultivate a healthier interdependence that may help smooth any potholes they encounter down the road, said Wilcox.
Discover more from MassMutual…
Surviving retirement with your spouse
Newlywed tips for blending insurance benefits
Building your Financial Pyramid
This article was originally published in January 2018. It has been updated.
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1 Fidelity Investments, “5 financial tips for newlyweds,” 2021.
2 Varo Money, “Couples Prefer to Keep Some Finances Separate, Survey Reveals,” Feb. 13, 2020.